


why don't I know?

by scorpio_rat



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28248858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpio_rat/pseuds/scorpio_rat
Summary: San had to cut off a bad friend and is feeling really guilty about it
Kudos: 12





	why don't I know?

**Author's Note:**

> a big sh trigger warning !!! read with caution
> 
> this whole story is my own experience projecting onto San, I found it really hard to deal with cutting off a friend when they treated me so badly for so long, I felt so guilty and like the worst person alive, and then today I saw them again, and although it was only eye contact it brought back a lot of memories and I felt so scared and writing this kinda helped it  
> if someone is going through something similar please just know that you did the best you could in the situation you were in with what you had going on, and it's going to be okay. you won't feel like this forever, I promise you.

San's eyes felt heavy  
he shut his eyes with so much force colors danced around in the dark of his eyelids  
"stop" he whispered  
memories of an old friend resurfaced  
"your laugh is so annoying" "when I look at you I just want to punch you" "you're fat" "you're so overly sensitive"  
but he had cut him out of his life  
everyone had said he was good for doing so  
why did it feel so wrong?  
their last conversation filled his mind  
"this is for the best" San said  
"but just know, you're a really terrible person too" he had said  
"I know" San replied  
he was really a bad person right?  
he must be.  
San pulled out his blade from his pocket  
"go on, you deserve it for what you did" he told himself  
and he made lines across his left wrist  
"you're such a terrible person, you hurt him" he kept on going  
another voice inside of him told him that he had every right to cut him off, that he was right to do so  
but the other voice was too strong  
"you just hurt people, you're horrible" he said, but it came out in sobs  
blood dripped down onto his pant leg, but he couldn't see through all the tears blurring his vision  
he found himself wondering why if he had made the right choice, why everything reminded him of him? why hearing certain sentences, seeing a certain type of animal or a place they had been together shot a painful feeling up his heart  
San felt so conflicted

he could hear his door opening  
"San??" Hongjoong asked and came and sat down next to San on his bed after closing the door behind him  
"is it him on your mind again?"  
he nodded his head  
"San, I promise you he can't hurt you anymore, it's over now" he said and with one arm stroked San's hair as the other one held the wounded arm  
"but I hurt him" he managed to get out through sobs  
"I can't believe you're worried about that, after all he put you through. San, you're scared of being yourself because of him, and he put that on you! he gave you an eating disorder and made you feel so so bad! but yet you're the kind soul that you are who just can't see bad in anyone, and he never deserved that. You deserve to be treated in the best way possible, I promise you it's over now. he's gone, you're going to be okay. we're all here for you and we love you so much"  
and San practically melted into his arms  
it still hurt  
but he believed Hongjoong

"let's get these cleaned up"


End file.
